Managing Long-Distance Relationships While Living Abroad

Misaki Funada
5 days ago
3 min read

Updated: 2 days ago

Aryan Khurana is a business student at Western University's Ivey Business School in Toronto, Canada. Despite speaking zero Japanese and having no Tokyo connections, he landed a role leading international expansion at a fast-growing startup through systematic cold outreach. He's now supporting a matcha export business connecting Japanese farmers with North American consumers.

What you'll learn in this article:

Why async communication beats scheduled calls across time zones
How to set expectations that prevent most conflicts
The prioritization framework that eliminates guilt

Aryan Khurana managed a three-year relationship while working in Tokyo for four months. They'd lived together throughout university. Then: opposite time zones, transformative vs. routine experiences, constant guilt about prioritization.

Standard advice—"communicate more," "trust each other"—doesn't address the structural problem: you're having asymmetric experiences. Every hour exploring feels like time away from the relationship. Explaining requires exhausting context. Someone always sacrifices sleep for calls.

Here's what worked.

Strategy 1: Async Communication

Aryan and his partner created a shared iPhone note. He'd write about his day and add photos. She'd read during her commute. No response pressure.

Why this works: Texts carry implicit urgency that compounds across time zones. The shared note eliminated pressure while maintaining connection. Photos closed the experience gap faster than text.

Alternatives: voice memos during commutes, shared photo albums (Google Photos, iCloud), Loom videos for showing specifics.

Strategy 2: Explicit Expectations With Contingencies

Not: "We'll talk every day" But: "Video call Sunday 9 PM my time, async updates 3x weekly. If work runs late, I'll flag it by Friday."

Not: "Let me know if you need anything" But: "Urgent: call anytime. Important: voice memo within 24 hours. Routine: shared note."

Establish contingencies upfront:

Busy work weeks: shift to voice memos, reduce to 2x weekly
Social opportunities: explicit permission to prioritize experiences
Emergencies: either can call despite async systems

Most tension comes from mismatched unstated expectations. Make them explicit.

Strategy 3: The Prioritization Framework

Aryan read The Power of Moments—be intentional about creating memorable experiences instead of letting days blur.

His framework:

Relationship is priority, but experience enables relationship (full experience creates shared stories)
Default to presence (be fully there wherever you are, not anxiously in-between)
Schedule buffers (leave space for spontaneous calls)

Quality meant depth of conversation, not pleasant small talk. Sometimes the best calls were hard conversations about feeling disconnected.

Apply to All Relationships

Partner: frequent intimate connection
Family: weekly calls, physical letters, shared albums
Friends: monthly calls, group chats, explicit "I'll be less available these months"

Different relationships need different intensities. Be explicit about approaches.

What Doesn't Work

Trying to maintain identical relationship (it must evolve)
Avoiding hard conversations (distance requires more explicit communication)
Constant availability (creates anxiety that ruins both experience and relationship)

The Meta-Skill

Long-distance forced intentionality: deliberate presence, explicit communication, creating memorable moments.

"That was one of the biggest learnings: how to be more intentional with time," Aryan says.

These skills transfer to all relationships forever. The international experience opens career doors.

The relationship skills compound over years.

Both are worth it.

Implementation Checklist

Before: explicit conversation about expectations + contingencies, choose async method, establish call times, define urgent vs. routine
During: update shared note 3x weekly, honor scheduled calls, address disconnection directly, be fully present, share photos constantly
Mindset: from "maintaining" to "evolving," from "always available" to "strategically present"

Key Takeaways

Async communication eliminates response pressure: Shared notes and photos maintain connection without immediate response anxiety
Explicit expectations with contingencies prevent conflicts: Define baseline AND what happens when life gets busy
Prioritization is about intentionality: Be fully present wherever you are instead of anxiously in-between
Intentionality compounds forever: Skills developed during long-distance make you better at all relationships permanently

Ready to explore opportunities in Japan?

Connect with others: Find expat Slack communities and LinkedIn groups for foreigners in Japan
Research companies: Look for innovation teams and foreign-friendly environments
Start reaching out: The worst they can say is no, and the best they can say might change your life
Remember Aryan's framework: Can I learn a ton? Am I excited to work with these people? Does this give me a better story?

This is Article 3 in a 3-part series on building a startup career in Japan as a foreigner.